Evan and Hell - The Rise and Fall of Evan 'The Dragon' Davies

It's impossible to be the next Evan Davis, it is the biggest challenge of my career, its like asking someone to be the next Olly Murs.

These were the words of Declan 'Dec' Donnelly (Ant + Dec) at the press conference announcing the resignation of Evan Davis, recently disgraced TV personality and economic renegade.

The event that marked the end of the original Dick and Dom was overshadowed by discussions of Davis's murky past. Fresh allegations of animal cruelty and loitering with intent sent shockwaves through the hallways of the new BBC headquarters in Neath.

Recent reports have alleged that Davis, dressed head-to-toe as a ferocious fire breather, routinely parked his car on the drive of funny man and Welsh nationalist Rhod Gilbert. It began innocently with Davis chain smoking in his VW Passat, but as time went on, Evan's behavior became increasingly erratic and sinister. Things came to a head at 3am on the 15th December when Davis, with a boot full of Lynx Africa and Deborah Meaden's personalised zippo lighter, parked up in his usual spot. As Tom Jones's 'Burning Down the House' echoed through the Gilbert estate, Davis began methodically incinerating Rhod's prized herb garden. Unbeknownst to Evan , Ruth, Gilbert's confidant, agent and pet emu was sleeping amongst the coriander. Once the ash settled, Davis stood weeping over the bird's charred corpse. 'I'll never forget the smell', said a jaded PC Wyndham Jones, "It was like someone had tried to cook a potpourri stuffed chicken with napalm".

A besieged Davis has taken to Twitter to defend his warped cause.

They all shagged her and you want a piece of the action too!

on the fence(ing)

As the costume suggests fencing was made by a pair of renegade bee-keepers in 1976. the sport quickly spiralled out of favour with the British sporting establishment due to the findings of the now infamous GROBBULAAR report. The report alleged fencing was clearly linked to sympathy for the unions and recommended it be abolished.

Looking back on those troubled times Dr Shelly Fingerhood, nobel peace prize winner and avid fencer recalls. 'You have to remember fencing was invented by bee-keepers and we're all too aware of this countries relationship with honey. It was only natural that the sport would be tarred with the same brush. In reality fencing is nothing more than wimps living out their bizarre, swashbuckling, pirate fantasies. Always keen to politicise an issue, Lady Thatcher denounced the soon to be underground sport.'

The now illegal sport found its ideological soulmate in the rave scene that began to develop in the late 80's. Bez of the 'Happy Mondays' the maraca wielding 'shifty sherpa' himself remembers those times fondly. '...fencing and dance music fed off each other until eventually we couldn't tell the fucking difference, it twisted my melon!'

The establishment could no longer suppress and repress the unrelenting public yearning for droopy swords. When a jaded John Major legalised fencing it is hard to imagine that public opinion would shift back once again, propelling fencing back into the sporting wilderness.

Under new labour, Tony 'The Butcher' Blair (he's an ACTUAL butcher?!) attacked the sport citing, 'the tragic loss of so many swords to this vicious industry has become an international catastrophe.' He thinks its a criminal waste of swords, YOU think its a criminal waste of swords.

To quote the wordsmith Natasha Bedingfield 'the rest is still unwritten.'

The only Ray of light this summer

When people think of the United Kingdom, they think football. When you think football, you think West Ham. When you think West Ham, you undoubtedly think - Ray Winstone.

Ray Winstone, callous bastard and international hardman, is one of the true jewels in the crown of British super-celebs. Born in Hackney, underneath his fathers fruit and vegetable stall, he is no stranger to the limelight. He left school aged 15 with one CSE with the statement 'School? its great if your a nonce or a queer' and his next stop was the bigtime. Repton Amateur Boxing Club was to be responsible for turning this mindless yob into a man capable of slogging faces coherently and with a record of 88 fights and 80 victories he enjoyed a great reputation. Bernard Davies, former opponent said of Winstone "He were a very docile man, he was calm, reserved but when he stepped into that ring he changed, he turned into a minotaur - a man with no soul, no reservations. I saw him beat a man in about 3 seconds, he just kicked his facking face off."

After escaping prison for several counts of GBH Winstone realised he was an actor not a fighter. He left his days of violence behind and began to star in films such as Scum, Tough Love, The Fear, Breaking and Entering and critically acclaimed 'The Bouncer'. A list that is as diverse and prolific as you would come to expect from any avid West Ham fan. Ray was procliamed as 'The British De Niro' by film mogul, and producer of King Arthur, Antoine Fuqua - a statement that has been supported by Shaka Hislop, Paolo Di Canio, Trevor Brooking and Bobby Zamora.

This summer sees Winstone piledrivering his way back onto the big screen with another seminal performance in the film Tracker. Already tipped for greatness the film has been described as "optical phenomenon that will make you goggle and vomit" by Ulrika Johnson. Stan Collymore disagreed (predictable) however, saying that never before has he witnessed such unnecessary violence and mindless thuggery. (The blogonauts think that its a bit rich coming from Stan but nonetheless appreciate his input and services to sport.) Tracker follows a Boer Soldier (Winstone) chasing a Maori accused of murder through the wilderness in what we can only imagine be a in Bear Grylls/Big Brother-esque style of filming. The film has been thoroughly endorsed by Ray Mears who trained Winstone in the art of bushcraft on Dartmoor pre-filming and is nominated for the Breacon Becons Festival in the category of Best bushcraft picture along with 'The wood', 'The Trees', 'The Leaves' and 'Soil'.

With a gloomy forecast for the summer, it is clear that Ray provides the light in what we expect to be a film. Ray de Niro as Fuqua would say, is on the blog and isnt going anywhere...

Gillian Duffy has had Enuffy!

The BBC have just announced Gillian Duffy, today’s media buffoon, and gordon’s much-loved bigot is to be included in tomorrow night’s debate. Although the debate was initially intended as a platform for economic discussion, it has been converted into a symposium of all things alien and foreign-sounding at duffy’s antagonistic request.

After The Blogonauts expressed their unease with Duffy's apparent lack of credentials for public office to Max Clifford, Gillain's PR Guru, he sneered 'the callous streets of Rochdale are an ideal dojo for anyones political education.' Following our interview in an uncharacteristic tirade, Clifford heckled The Blogonauts shouting, 'BLOGS ARE BOLLOCKS. They're for shirt lifters and radiologists.'

Clifford will be enraged to learn that The Blogonauts have wangled under dubious circumstances, voice recordings of Duffy noising off about a plethora of topics. Launching salvos of thinly veiled bigotry Duffy denounces tanning in all its forms, 'because its darkening influence on our countries most treasured institutions.' Even more shocking is her somewhat ambitious plan to ban:

Curry
Naan Bread
John Barnes
Theo Paphitis
Cous Cous
Halal
The Spice Girls
Harold and Kumar
Graeme le Saux
Oregano
Spaghetti
Turbans
French Fries

the use of the following words and phrases:

Entrepreneur
raison d'etre
bon appetit
mamma mia
fatwa

Although some people think Gillian Duffy is an 'overfed twatbadger' AA Gill, The Sunday Times. 2010. The Blogonauts are agitated that Duffy has managed to haul the festering corpse that is our politics into previously un-explored realms of utter shit and claptrap. Shit off you foul-mouthed ruffian.

Kim Woodburn - How clean is your past?

Kim Woodburn, celebrated cleaner and "Sanitation Superwoman", has revealed that she can no longer keep her past buried (unlike her child - see picture above). After being left high and dry with a weighty womb, Kim was forced to deliver her own infant single-handedly. The child was born six months premature (at the tender age of 0), lifeless and therefore of no interest to Kim.

The busty Kim decided to take the child to the park, but not for playtime... "You have to understand" she asserted, "It was the 60s, everyone was was burying babies!". Kim believes this horrific occurence is part of what shaped her life and made her the person she is today. "Maybe one day, these mud babies will sprout into trees for everyone to enjoy" said a traumatised Woodburn.

Blog Off...

Nick Knowles: DIY SOS

BlogJockeys - to continue our official 'House and Home' week we are bringing you a world exclusive on your favourite celebrity carpenter since Joseph of Nazareth. Knowles has been on the DIY circuit since 1999 when the BBC first sanctioned the visual violation that is 'DIY: SOS'. The show nearly lasted only 2 episodes when Knowles, high on a cocktail of homeopathic remedies with his half-brother and unoffical sidekick Lizo Mzimba (see above), began to brag that DIY: SOS was not actually a reference to home improvement and shelf erection, but instead 'Do it Yourself: Save Our Souls' was a subtle plea for Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen to commit suicide. The BBC's house enhancement section had been polarized following the Dimmock - Titchmarsh - Walsh scandal with Knowles openly denouncing Titchmarsh's underhand tactics in bedding the 'Water-feature Whore' and Llewelyn Bowen blaming Walsh and supporting the man he called 'Uncle Alan' saying it was not in human nature to be monogamous - Starting a feud that is still to be resolved.
Walshs' fall from grace hit Knowles hard but he continued with the BBC apologizing for his blatant smear tactics on the proviso that 'that floppy cock Bowen keeps his velvet gloves out of SOS or he'll chisel his f*****g chops off'.

It is characters like Knowles that have contributed to the downfall of the BBC's DIY programmes and have forced Carol Smiley into Re-hab for the 6th time in as many years. It is true, the Titchmarsh - Walsh saga was a terrible moment for construction enthusiasts everywhere but as long as figures such as Knowles and Bowen douse the fire of infidelity with the petrol of their words we will never see daytime TV return to the glory years of the early Noughties.

The blogonauts think that the show Knowles should feature on is FYI: BRO - 'For Your Information: Blog Right Off'