They all shagged her and you want a piece of the action too!

on the fence(ing)

As the costume suggests fencing was made by a pair of renegade bee-keepers in 1976. the sport quickly spiralled out of favour with the British sporting establishment due to the findings of the now infamous GROBBULAAR report. The report alleged fencing was clearly linked to sympathy for the unions and recommended it be abolished.

Looking back on those troubled times Dr Shelly Fingerhood, nobel peace prize winner and avid fencer recalls. 'You have to remember fencing was invented by bee-keepers and we're all too aware of this countries relationship with honey. It was only natural that the sport would be tarred with the same brush. In reality fencing is nothing more than wimps living out their bizarre, swashbuckling, pirate fantasies. Always keen to politicise an issue, Lady Thatcher denounced the soon to be underground sport.'

The now illegal sport found its ideological soulmate in the rave scene that began to develop in the late 80's. Bez of the 'Happy Mondays' the maraca wielding 'shifty sherpa' himself remembers those times fondly. '...fencing and dance music fed off each other until eventually we couldn't tell the fucking difference, it twisted my melon!'

The establishment could no longer suppress and repress the unrelenting public yearning for droopy swords. When a jaded John Major legalised fencing it is hard to imagine that public opinion would shift back once again, propelling fencing back into the sporting wilderness.

Under new labour, Tony 'The Butcher' Blair (he's an ACTUAL butcher?!) attacked the sport citing, 'the tragic loss of so many swords to this vicious industry has become an international catastrophe.' He thinks its a criminal waste of swords, YOU think its a criminal waste of swords.

To quote the wordsmith Natasha Bedingfield 'the rest is still unwritten.'

The only Ray of light this summer

When people think of the United Kingdom, they think football. When you think football, you think West Ham. When you think West Ham, you undoubtedly think - Ray Winstone.

Ray Winstone, callous bastard and international hardman, is one of the true jewels in the crown of British super-celebs. Born in Hackney, underneath his fathers fruit and vegetable stall, he is no stranger to the limelight. He left school aged 15 with one CSE with the statement 'School? its great if your a nonce or a queer' and his next stop was the bigtime. Repton Amateur Boxing Club was to be responsible for turning this mindless yob into a man capable of slogging faces coherently and with a record of 88 fights and 80 victories he enjoyed a great reputation. Bernard Davies, former opponent said of Winstone "He were a very docile man, he was calm, reserved but when he stepped into that ring he changed, he turned into a minotaur - a man with no soul, no reservations. I saw him beat a man in about 3 seconds, he just kicked his facking face off."

After escaping prison for several counts of GBH Winstone realised he was an actor not a fighter. He left his days of violence behind and began to star in films such as Scum, Tough Love, The Fear, Breaking and Entering and critically acclaimed 'The Bouncer'. A list that is as diverse and prolific as you would come to expect from any avid West Ham fan. Ray was procliamed as 'The British De Niro' by film mogul, and producer of King Arthur, Antoine Fuqua - a statement that has been supported by Shaka Hislop, Paolo Di Canio, Trevor Brooking and Bobby Zamora.

This summer sees Winstone piledrivering his way back onto the big screen with another seminal performance in the film Tracker. Already tipped for greatness the film has been described as "optical phenomenon that will make you goggle and vomit" by Ulrika Johnson. Stan Collymore disagreed (predictable) however, saying that never before has he witnessed such unnecessary violence and mindless thuggery. (The blogonauts think that its a bit rich coming from Stan but nonetheless appreciate his input and services to sport.) Tracker follows a Boer Soldier (Winstone) chasing a Maori accused of murder through the wilderness in what we can only imagine be a in Bear Grylls/Big Brother-esque style of filming. The film has been thoroughly endorsed by Ray Mears who trained Winstone in the art of bushcraft on Dartmoor pre-filming and is nominated for the Breacon Becons Festival in the category of Best bushcraft picture along with 'The wood', 'The Trees', 'The Leaves' and 'Soil'.

With a gloomy forecast for the summer, it is clear that Ray provides the light in what we expect to be a film. Ray de Niro as Fuqua would say, is on the blog and isnt going anywhere...

Gillian Duffy has had Enuffy!

The BBC have just announced Gillian Duffy, today’s media buffoon, and gordon’s much-loved bigot is to be included in tomorrow night’s debate. Although the debate was initially intended as a platform for economic discussion, it has been converted into a symposium of all things alien and foreign-sounding at duffy’s antagonistic request.

After The Blogonauts expressed their unease with Duffy's apparent lack of credentials for public office to Max Clifford, Gillain's PR Guru, he sneered 'the callous streets of Rochdale are an ideal dojo for anyones political education.' Following our interview in an uncharacteristic tirade, Clifford heckled The Blogonauts shouting, 'BLOGS ARE BOLLOCKS. They're for shirt lifters and radiologists.'

Clifford will be enraged to learn that The Blogonauts have wangled under dubious circumstances, voice recordings of Duffy noising off about a plethora of topics. Launching salvos of thinly veiled bigotry Duffy denounces tanning in all its forms, 'because its darkening influence on our countries most treasured institutions.' Even more shocking is her somewhat ambitious plan to ban:

Curry
Naan Bread
John Barnes
Theo Paphitis
Cous Cous
Halal
The Spice Girls
Harold and Kumar
Graeme le Saux
Oregano
Spaghetti
Turbans
French Fries

the use of the following words and phrases:

Entrepreneur
raison d'etre
bon appetit
mamma mia
fatwa

Although some people think Gillian Duffy is an 'overfed twatbadger' AA Gill, The Sunday Times. 2010. The Blogonauts are agitated that Duffy has managed to haul the festering corpse that is our politics into previously un-explored realms of utter shit and claptrap. Shit off you foul-mouthed ruffian.

Kim Woodburn - How clean is your past?

Kim Woodburn, celebrated cleaner and "Sanitation Superwoman", has revealed that she can no longer keep her past buried (unlike her child - see picture above). After being left high and dry with a weighty womb, Kim was forced to deliver her own infant single-handedly. The child was born six months premature (at the tender age of 0), lifeless and therefore of no interest to Kim.

The busty Kim decided to take the child to the park, but not for playtime... "You have to understand" she asserted, "It was the 60s, everyone was was burying babies!". Kim believes this horrific occurence is part of what shaped her life and made her the person she is today. "Maybe one day, these mud babies will sprout into trees for everyone to enjoy" said a traumatised Woodburn.

Blog Off...

Nick Knowles: DIY SOS

BlogJockeys - to continue our official 'House and Home' week we are bringing you a world exclusive on your favourite celebrity carpenter since Joseph of Nazareth. Knowles has been on the DIY circuit since 1999 when the BBC first sanctioned the visual violation that is 'DIY: SOS'. The show nearly lasted only 2 episodes when Knowles, high on a cocktail of homeopathic remedies with his half-brother and unoffical sidekick Lizo Mzimba (see above), began to brag that DIY: SOS was not actually a reference to home improvement and shelf erection, but instead 'Do it Yourself: Save Our Souls' was a subtle plea for Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen to commit suicide. The BBC's house enhancement section had been polarized following the Dimmock - Titchmarsh - Walsh scandal with Knowles openly denouncing Titchmarsh's underhand tactics in bedding the 'Water-feature Whore' and Llewelyn Bowen blaming Walsh and supporting the man he called 'Uncle Alan' saying it was not in human nature to be monogamous - Starting a feud that is still to be resolved.
Walshs' fall from grace hit Knowles hard but he continued with the BBC apologizing for his blatant smear tactics on the proviso that 'that floppy cock Bowen keeps his velvet gloves out of SOS or he'll chisel his f*****g chops off'.

It is characters like Knowles that have contributed to the downfall of the BBC's DIY programmes and have forced Carol Smiley into Re-hab for the 6th time in as many years. It is true, the Titchmarsh - Walsh saga was a terrible moment for construction enthusiasts everywhere but as long as figures such as Knowles and Bowen douse the fire of infidelity with the petrol of their words we will never see daytime TV return to the glory years of the early Noughties.

The blogonauts think that the show Knowles should feature on is FYI: BRO - 'For Your Information: Blog Right Off'

Celebrity builder or over the hill(durrrrrr)?

Icon. Pioneer. 'The Black&Decker Wrecker' himself, Tommy Walsh.

Famously reclusive from the British media, Walsh's surprisingly frank press conference at Bulbs' Garden Centre in Yeovil sent shockwaves through the building and horticultural communities of the nation. Promoting his new candid autobiography 'The Highs and Lows of Tommy Walsh - Screwing up to Nailing It!' he revealed his darkest secrets.

While on the set of 'Ground Force' (BBC1) Walsh and co-host Alan Titchmarsh were almost always intoxicated on a cocktail of class A drugs, 'in hindsight trying to erect a fence while on the back end of a 7 day bender was regrettable' said a weeping Walsh. Fellow presenter, Charlie 'nipples' Dimmock became a source of tension on the programme after dating both of her colleagues.

The undercurrent of rage came to ahead at the Chelsea Flower Show in 2001, when Tommy found out Titchmarsh was courting Dimmock, he vowed to be-smudge the Titchmarsh name. He began his now infamous vendetta against his old gardening companion.

'Alan and I were used to building things together, now i was going to shatter his foundations,' reveals Tommy in his book.

Tommy would regularly steal Titchmarsh's pac-a-mac on rainy days, while habitually licking his own elbows to baffle production staff. The pranks became part of everyday life on Ground Force until that is, Alan snapped in a fountain of fury. Alan stormed onto Roger Beadle's newly constructed veranda. Looking back, Roger still cannot come to terms with the events that unfolded that fateful summer evening,

'it was just horrible, so, so, so, horrible, just hideous. thank CHRIST Alan was browsing the screw fix catalogue instead of digging (with a sharp metal spade) or we'd have lost a national treasure and great builder that day.'

Tommy and Alan's relationship is still on the rocks, but has shown real signs of improvement on the set of Shrubs starring Zac Braff.

The Blogonauts can only hope that Alan and Tommy reconcile for the good of British gardens and television.

Tommy you're bang on the blog!

more feet?! no small feat.

defying the scientific community and human kind, you the blogjockeys have demanded more feet.

1. how many more?
2. should these new feet be concerned and burdened with conventional dress codes such socks and shoes?
3. what about ankles?

when we caught up with ex-defence minister geoff hoon he initially refused to comment. however when he emerged from his office, clammy and disturbed he whispered into our correspondents ear, 'feet have always been a source of social tension in modern britain. i think it prudent that any talk of more feet should be struck down with an iron fist in a velvet glove.'

thanks geoff.

hoof advocate and ready steady cook maestro ainsley harriet expressed disappointment with the new poll, 'the british public are not yet ready to embrace the idea that the shoe barons have blocked all logical debate on hooves. who needs shoes when you can have hooves?'

the prospect of the british people trotting around like a bunch of startled centaurs both excites and bewilders the blogonauts. BLOG ON.

Anne Robinson: The Jury is out but the verdict is in...

In the most important opinion poll of the last few weeks, Flume Jockeys have accused Anne Robinson of being a Public Menace, in the eminent company of Peter Stringfellow, Piers Morgan and Dame Shirley Bassey.

People seem to be disgruntled with the way the carrot-topped Princess of Weakness becomes younger, while simultaneously growing older. Anne’s transformation from “the crinkly satsuma” (the abusive nickname popularised by Peter Mandelson) to fresh-faced freckle-fancy in under 5 years has every one asking questions.

The Blogonauts chased up devoted Weakest Link aficionado and ex-contestant Hillary Clinton to ask some vital questions regarding Anne. Hillary confirmed rumours that before the show, high-pitched hullabaloo and smoke often gushed out of Robinson's heavily guarded clandestine toilet.

Within the world of showbiz, it is widely understood that JK Rowling's (author and twat) intense hostility to the suggestion of Robinson starring as Ginny Weasely, in her much-admired Potter spin off 'HP - The Cappuccino Years' initiated Anne’s unremitting lust for youth. Anne’s all too public humiliation sparked a frenzy of surgery where the gifted TV host pursued a youthful, impish and handsome façade.

Gossip aside, it is noticeable to anyone anaesthetised enough to view an episode of Weakest Link that it is in fact the Public Toilet that Anne routinely spouts her muddled, self righteous drivel that distresses society. Anne is a walking contradiction, bold as a badger but also a lady that deems it tolerable to collect her infant daughter from school, drive to a petrol station, purchase Vodka, and get off her speckled tits. Anne also famously berates Blue Peter contestants. It appears to be difficult for the flume riders to relate to her life of vice and lice.

And for that reason you have voted Anne Robinson the Leakest Wink - Blog Off!

David Caruso -round hole square clegg?

David Caruso, notorious for his role as Horatio Cane in the chic series 'CSI: Miami' is rumoured to be in talks with Ken Loach and FilmFour. There is hearsay surrounding a two-part-epic-biopic of the life and works of Nick Clegg. A FilmFour insider said 'the Americans have a monopoly on magnetic main men, and hopefully 'Nick Clegg - The Awakening' can contend with American franchises such as the 'Bourne' films'.

We caught up with David in a snobbish bistro in Delaware.

BLOGFLUME (BF): So Nick Clegg? Are the rumours genuine?
David: Yes.
BF: How was your chow?
D: Fucking ghastly!
BF: David, thank you.

So there we have it, it might be, it could be, it definitely should be … bang on the blog.

Celebs to 'Shake a Leg with Clegg'

Nick Clegg, aspiring PM, today released plans for an elite set of Lib Dem groupies to lock horns with his competitors celebrity entourages. In a 'Tropicana Party' to celebrate an election contest that seems to have been blown open, despite the Lib Dems starting gingerly, Clegg has released his own personal guestlist. Names on the list are rumoured to be:
Geri Haliwell
Patsy Palmer
Nicola out of girls aloud
Ron Weasley
Ann Robinson
Bradley from Eastenders and his dad
Cilla Black
Tin Tin
Paul Scholes
Chris Evans
Mick Hucknell
Steve Davis
Rupert the Bear
Basil Brush
and Nicole Kidman

This is a clear effort to try and gain support from almost every area of society in a party that is set to be the biggest of the year.

Clegg's Orange Army is bang on the blog...

Delia - Fruitcake or just a stodgy old pudding?

In order to rally the fans, Smith, pissed off her tits on drink, grabbed the microphone from the club announcer and said: "A message for the best football supporters in the world: we need a 12th man here. Where are you? Where are you? Let's be avin you! Come on!" Norwich subsequently lost the match 3-2. Blog Off!

Tanni Grey: Britain's favourite Lame Dame?

Dame Tanni Grey Thompson seems to simply mature like a fine Welsh wine, from her days politicking at Loughborough University, to her universal domination of the track (paralympics) and onwards to her blossoming career in the public eye with involvement in numerous charities. Her regional success in the world of Television is also notable with Colin Jackson stating Tanni had made Welsh TV 'her bitch'..

Tanni. We love you. Keep doing what your doing. Let the good times roll... your right on the blog.

Petrescu: Depserate Dan knows how to handle the fans..

Football icon and Romanian folk legend Dan Petrescu knows a thing or two about how to work a crowd. When that crowd turns nasty - there are few people who can outmanoeuvre vicious hoodlums, but Petrescu is one in that number. When Petrescu came marching into a favoured night spot in Romanian city Piatra Neamţ almost 30 people instantly recognised their hero - if dan hadn't had got his smile out and bought every fan a shot of corkys things would have been ugly. very ugly.

Pet Rescue is bang on the blog..

George Michael - Marmite miner or just washed up old-timer?

Neither - hes right on the blog...

Why the long face?

Sarah Jessica Parker on being named the Unsexiest Woman Alive by Maxim magazine - "Who were the judges and critics? I would like to ask them, 'What exactly is it that you personally find not sexy about me? Is it my figure? Is it my brain that bothers you?" NAY! Blog Off.

alriii carl

Come here rude boy, is you big enough?!

Chan Can because Chan's the Man

Referring to his participation in the torch relay for the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing, Chan spoke out against demonstrators who disrupted the relay several times attempting to draw attention to a wide-ranging number of grievances against the Chinese government, including China's human rights record and the political status of Taiwan. He warned that he would lash out against anyone planning to stop him from carrying the Olympic Torch, saying, "Demonstrators better not get anywhere near me."

Jackie is pint-sized, full of hops and similar shading to a pint of lager - and thats why he is bang on the blog.

the don!

DON CHEADLE sits quietly in a trendy Santa Monica restaurant. The mainly White patrons initially ignore him. Eventually, though, their gazes drift back in his direction and, ever so slowly, recognition envelops them. There are smiles and a few nods.

And that's just the way he likes it. Recognition without the hassles.

don's right on the blog.

Portilllo - A Bozo or a Homo? Or is it a no go?

Mr Portillo told reporters: "I had some homosexual experiences as a young person." Portillo said that his activities were, "very mild, and a very long time ago." "Mild" is not a word the blogonauts recognise. Blog off for lack of effort!

Gary Rhodes: Palate Protagonist

After failing to steak his claim in Great British Menu, and creating a national uproar with his interpretation of the 'Cha-Cha-Cha' on Strictly Come Dancing it appears the kitchen diva is loosing flavour with the nation that once celebrated his valiant barnet and cheeky smile. His favourite things are Manchester United, Girls Aloud and his six pack - the dishy chef said "But I’m still not satisfied with the way my body looks. I’m always worrying that I haven’t got a six pack - it’s the perfectionist in me. When I was 19, I almost died from a blood clot on my brain after I ran into the road on a boys’ night out and was hit by a Transit van. Having come so close to death means I never take my health for granted."

A charming story, tantalizing and enchanting.

Karel is bang on the blog

Poborský's name is often attached to his performance in Euro 96, where during the quarter-final match against Portugal, he chipped the ball and lobbed it over the advancing Vítor Baía. The goal became a trademark shot for Poborský, as that shooting style soon began being attributed to him. Many footballers have attempted to 'do the Poborsky' with few succeeding with the grace and eloquence of Karel. It is this timelessness that has earnt Karel infamy in nightclubs all over the the Czech Republic.

our blog flume is about to go BOOM

Complicated Universal Cum - I can hardly wait from Fake Diamond Records on Vimeo.

I think you ladies have found yourself a Situation...

Blog On: -

funnyman

“My wife and I both made a list of 5 people we could sleep with…she read hers out and there were no surprises…1 George Clooney…2 Brad Pitt etc…I thought ‘Ive got the better deal here’…1 Your sister” ... never afraid to tackle the tough subjects are you Michael? You cunt. BLOG OFF!

blogster la vista baby

literally...

to me, to you.

On the Blog.

In April 2007, while on holiday on the Greek island of Kefalonia, Paul broke his nose and received cuts and bruises when he lost control of his motorbike after suddenly braking to avoid a sheperd and his flock of goats. British tourists who stopped at the accident, instead of helping him out, shouted out the Chuckle Brothers' catchphrase: "To me, to you".

right on the blog.

the manifesto

Greetings peasants!

rule number one of 'the blog flume' - like a log flume its fun, but, NEVER talk about 'the blog flume.'

this flume has no height restrictions.

WELCOME.